It always impresses me how the film industry honors itself every year.  There are multiple award shows, all at great expense, with ridiculous outfits and hairstyles.  They are designed so the winners accept their awards and then congratulate everybody they’ve ever met in their entire lives.  They spend more hours patting each other on the back than baseball players spend smacking each other on the butt.  To honor them, I’ve loosely based today’s categories on the ones they use since obviously they need constant reminding they are loved.

1. Best Performance in a Leading Role.  Gender doesn’t matter with this category, because nobody has dominated like the UConn women’s basketball team.  31-0 this season.  70 straight wins.  There are good teams, there are great teams and then there’s the UConn women. 
2. Best Return to a Leading Role.  Kentucky fits the bill, missing the tourney last year and on the verge of becoming a #1 seed this year.  It also can describe John Calipari, who may get back to the Final Four with a third school.  Of course, in 20 years, any reminders of that might not exist due to NCAA violations, but let’s not worry about that now.
3. Best Costume Design.  This one easily goes to Ron Artest for his latest hairdo, which spells out defense in Japanese, Hebrew and Hindi.  Need I say more?
4. Best Supporting Actor.  Vince Carter was brought in to provide much needed outside scoring for the Magic.  On Sunday, he filled his role perfectly, dropping 25 against the Lakers in a 96-94 win.  If the Magic are to get back to the NBA Finals and have any chance to knock off LA in a rematch, he’ll have to reprise this role over and over and over.
5. Best Visual Effects.  It wasn’t legal and it wasn’t a good idea but Carl Edwards sending Brad Keselowski “Up in the Air” during Sunday’s NASCAR race in Atlanta was spectacular.  Thankfully, nobody was seriously injured, though chances are Edwards might be seriously penalized.
6. Best Finale.  It was a Hollywood ending for Freedom Hall in Louisville on Saturday.  Though the Cardinals have been erratic this year, they looked fabulous in knocking off #1 Syracuse to close out their historic gym.  Sadly, the revival probably won’t see an extended stay in the tournament.

THERE IT IS!

-Jake Stevens

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